He that is far off shall die of the pestilence; and he that is near shall fall by the sword; and he that remaineth and is besieged shall die by the famine: thus will I accomplish my fury upon them. – God

Social distancing, self isolate, that’s what all the cool kids are doing, and they’re great new terms for the hip survivor of the apocalypse. The rules are changing so fast all we can do is guess what they’ll be tomorrow. “Get back to Canada! Get back to Canada you irresponsible bums” the internet hoards keep saying. But there’s no toilet paper in Canada and the airline isn’t answering the phone. Today after a few hours on hold I was informed that I need to watch the airline’s website to see when a repatriation flight will be leaving from Puerto Vallarta. “How much notice will we be given?” I ask “I don’t know, check in the morning and go to the airport if there’s a flight. “It’s a four or five hour drive to the airport.” “You better check in the morning then” “Oh good” I say. Comply with the constantly changing rules! Today we bought canned jalapenos and beans. Yum. And Michelob Ultra, 2.6 carbs and half the taste, but at least we won’t get too fat on our self isolating plan. “We need two days to get the boat ready before we go” Kirstyn tells me “Oh good” I say. Our drunk friend Evan stopped by today “I’m going to buy a house for $20,000 two hours south of here! And I’m going to steal back my motorcycle from the guy that stole it from me last year! And I got you an avacado and a propane regulator!” “Ok, have fun Evan” I say. Evan doesn’t know about the apocalypse yet, I’ve been waiting for him to have a moment of sobriety so I can tell him all about this new virus pandemic. Our neighbor walked past us on the way to the shower, can of Lysol held in front of him in the ready position “Can’t be too careful in these uncertain times” he says. I went to the hardware store looking for a ⅝ drill bit this morning. The guy behind the counter scratches his head “You know, not too many people buy a drill bit this size in this town, maybe I have it in a week?” “Huh, maybe I can find it in Tepic?” I ask. “You know, maybe you try Home Depot?” “Si, maybe I try Home Depot.” The guy didn’t look sick, but I noticed we were both careful not to breathe in each other’s direction. Can’t be too careful. At the grocery store, a mechanic parked his work truck by the curb and we awkwardly made small talk walking towards the store entrance while subtly keeping our distance. “You buying supplies?” He asks “Yeah, gotta prepare” I say “Get lots of beans and rice, it’s boring but you won’t die!” He says cheerfully. He makes a good point, the apocalypse isn’t supposed to be fun, I think to myself. I couldn’t help looking down the toilet paper isle as soon as I enter the store. I feel a mix of relief and gloating satisfaction when I see the fully stocked shelves. “Yes!”